So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize