the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
