My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
