The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
