so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
