Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
