don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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