smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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