he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
