i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
