Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Randomize
