so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
