dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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