If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
