I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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