I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
