You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
