make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
