We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
