The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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