I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
