I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
