I heard we made out
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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