If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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