Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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