well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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