i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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