Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
