I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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