Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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