I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize