Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
