Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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