You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
