watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Come see our sink grown plant.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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