When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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