I faked an abortion last night.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need water and some morals
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
