My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
