My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I still have a little drunk in my system
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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