I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
