i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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