Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
