Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
