no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
