how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
