dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
