You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
