I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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