I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
