ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
