Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
