there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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