that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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