Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
