i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
