I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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