do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
