you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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