I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
