If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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