True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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