She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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