I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
