Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
