I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
