Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
