If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
